On Wednesday, September 1st, 2010, I turned 32. And being the Queen Fag Hag that I am, that occasion required celebration with friends, drinks and drag queens. And of course this celebration also required a blog post, mostly cause it was full of awesome but also cause my sister demanded it. So, this is for you, Sis:
How I Spent My 32nd Birthday
By, Sarah (AKA Queen Fag Hag)
Just a few minutes after I left my house to walk the half mile to the bus stop that would take me downtown, I realized I made a very bad clothing choice. I had decided for this occasion to wear a dress for the first time in many years. This required tights and sandals. Unfortunately, the combo of tights and sandals were already causing blisters and chafing. Not to mention that my tiara was digging into my skull a bit. Normally, I have a low tolerance for pain, but this day I didn’t care since I knew I was heading for large amounts of lovely alcohol that would dull the pain.
I eventually made it to the bus stop then the max transit station then the Ruby Junction stop where I was supposed to meet Joey. Twenty minutes past our meet time, I realized we might of had a communication mishap. Joey had said the stop near him was across the street from a seven eleven which I thought we both established was the Ruby Junction stop. But I didn’t see a seven eleven. A call to hubby confirmed that there was one across from the next stop, Rockwood. Another 15 minutes or so at Rockwood still didn’t produce my Gay Best Friends so I decided to just get on the next max and head downtown without him. When the door opened, there was Joey. We had literally passed each other on the stops cause we both thought we were at the wrong one and went to the other one…anyway, it all ended well.
Eventually, Joey and I arrived downtown where we then met up with my hubby and Lysandra to head for dinner. While we were waiting, Joey had decided that Lysandra would be his long lost evil twin. And he is the other evil twin. And that he would call her Lesby. Odd to think I was worried they wouldn’t get along.
Our little group headed to Saucebox for Thai and sushi. Me complaining the whole way about the blisters and chafing. It was decided that hubby would go to the grocery store behind us and fetch me band aids. A trip to the bathroom resulting in no tights and bandaged feet. I declined Lysandra’s offer to exchange shoes because the band aids helped.
We had a lovely dinner.
It was somewhat slow service, but all the servers respected the tiara and the food was delicious. We had a group of hipsters at the table next to us that were quite obviously watching our table. Might have had something to do with the talk about cocks and swollen testicles and something else I can’t remember at the moment. Joey and Lysandra don’t censor themselves and I love that about them. But our conversations were nothing compared to the bearded guy across the street spewing nasty I won’t repeat here. We think it was turrets. Or it could of been a bad day, whatever.
And of course there was cosmos. I like cosmos. They taste pretty.
I had two of these pretty drinks and by the time we left to head over to Embers, I was already the tiniest bit buzzed, to the endless amusement of my Tribe.
We got to Embers two hours before the Drag Queen show so the bar was pretty empty. But the bar tender was lovely.
He saw the tiara and asked me what I was celebrating – cause you don’t wear a tiara if you’re not celebrating something. He and the chick next to us wished me a happy birthday. And I got a free shot with my first Mai Thai. The shot tasted like hard apple cider, it was delicious.
We sat at the bar and talked and drank and stared at the fish in the bar. Lysandra handed me a piece of scrap paper and told me to draw a picture of myself as a drag queen. I drew a stick figure with boobs and a crown. She adored it and I think it’ll end up framed. I got a picture of Joey as a cat – you know what his soul looks like. It’s still in my wallet. We eventually moved to a table so we could talk easier. We got one right in front becasue it was both Joey and Lysandra’s goal to make my face turn the reddest shade possible. I blame any blushing on the alcohol.
We talked and giggled and drank. Before the show, one of the Drag Queen MC’s came over and asked me what I was celebrating and asked if they could drag me on stage. I said yes after the mention of birthday spankings. Once the drag queens started, we giggled and drank and took pictures. The time line is a little fuzzy so I’m just going to give you the evening’s highlights in no particular order:
Lysandra eventually forced me to trade shoes cause I was in pain and letting everyone know that. She took my black sandals and I got these lovely Punky Brewster sneakers. And sparkly cat socks. I have to say, they were much more comfortable on my poor abused feet.
Joey’s top hat and my tiara played musical heads.
A random stranger kept handing me and Lysandra and Joey dollar bills to tip the drag queens.
Don’t know why. It wasn’t because he was shy – he did a lot of tipping himself, usually in their cleavage or underwear. Maybe he was friends of the drag queens. Maybe watching people tip drag queens turns him on. Don’t know. But at least he didn’t ask me to put the tip in my teeth – although I did see a couple people do that, I think they stole my move!
I got dragged onto stage, to dance. Luckily, I’d had enough to drink by then that I found it wonderful rather then embarrassing and fully participated rather then giggle shyly and stumble. The picture is fuzzy but it’s the best I’ve got.
And that same lovely drag queen bought me a drink for my special day. It was a lovely bluish green thing that tasted like jolly ranchers melted in alcohol and soda. I was on my third Mai Thai at the time and wasn’t sure if I could finish the free drink so Lysandra and Joey helped. We’re a tribe, we can share spit.
I got grabbed, manhandled and a little bit molested by the drag queens. Lysandra tried to take pictures but got a lot of “after” rather then during pictures.
She kissed me three times, that I can remember: one on the lips – that’s what happened right before this picture – and left a little bit of her sparkly pink lip gloss behind. I also got one fake lip kiss and one fake hand kiss.
This is me giggling right after this drag queen hugged me and made sure to pull my head to her boobs, for the second time.
I don’t remember if she did anything after she grabbed me…it’s a little fuzzy at that point.
This is the same lovely girl who dragged me on stage and bought me a drink. I kind of liked the full on hug.
And of course, the MC practically sat in my lap while talking to me about my birthday.
The MC’s talked to me and it went sort of like this:
“So how old are you today?”
“32″
“So you’re 24?”
“Yes.”
“And where did you get that lovely little party hat?”
“From a drag queen friend of mine”
“You love the drag queens, don’t you?”
“Yep.”
Turns out, one of the girls sitting next to us thought I was actually 24 and that I didn’t look my age.
I was denied Birthday spankings though, they don’t spank girls cause they like it – the drag queens not the girls.
The drag queens weren’t the only ones that molested me. Joey and Lysandra did too, but they’re allowed. Oh, and I got frenched – on the cheek – by a very drunk, very horny, tiny lesbian. I would be flattered if I was the only one.
Lysandra talked to strangers like she always does and it was lovely to watch as always. Especially when she mistook a woman for one of the drag queens who preformed. Said lady got a kick out of it and when I told Lysandra she hand the wrong person, the lady said “are you sure?” with a big grin.
Joey wrote on us with Sharpies – which I only allowed cause I was drunk. I got “Tribe Queen” on my arm. I’m just glad I don’t have a job and that I didn’t get “cock warmer”.
We decided on a tribe name: The Bi-Frost Tribe after the Bifrost Bridge which is a rainbow bridge. There’s some Norse mythology there too but that doesn’t matter – it’s a rainbow bridge! And there’s bi in the name.
I think some other stuff happened – I’m sure Lysandra and Joey can add their two cents if I forgot anything important.
Overall, i had a fabulous night with my fabulous friends. I felt loved and fuzzy and special. I don’t know if the drag queens payed so much attention to me because I was up front, wearing a tiara or because it was my birthday or because it’s just what they do, but it doesn’t matter cause I loved ever moment. Thank you drag queens of Embers for making my birthday so freaking special.
And thank you my darling tribe mates, Lysandra and Joey for spending my day with me! I’m so glad I was able to help you two find your evil twins. I love you both!
The total drink count if anyone is interested: 2 cosmos, 3 Mai Thai, 1 Washington Apple shot, 1 sugary blue drink, and 1 gin and ginger ale plus various sips from Lysandra and Joey’s drinks. Can we say drunk? I know you can! Still didn’t reach the “dance on table” stage, but that’s just a goal for next time!
And now, for your viewing pleasure – random photos of drag queens! Taken by the lovely Lysandra!
