Fantasia D. Vine

Before you read this post: if you haven’t already, you really need to read The 213 Things Skippy is no Longer Allowed to do in the US Army.

There are lots of parodies of this list already so I had to add my own. I love the original list ’cause it’s full of completely outrageous things. I love minds that come up with that kind of stuff - like my hubby. I’ve decided to write my own list based on ideas my hubby has actually had (he has not tried any of them because he’s smart enough to run things by me first).

So, for your reading pleasure, I give you:

Things My Hubby is Not Allowed to Do, Ever

• He can’t throw hamsters off the roof in an attempt to teach them to fly (and no, not even if you give them tiny capes)
• He can’t train hamsters to take over the world
• He can’t buy a blow dart gun
• He can’t use a blow dart gun to attack cheerleaders working at school sponsored car washes
• He can’t use a blow dart gun to attack corporate mascots - no matter how annoying they are
• He can’t use a blow dart gun to attack those blow up windsock people
• He can’t go to my family reunion and try to create soap opera drama just for the hell of it
• He can’t go to the Home Owner’s Association with a list of demands
• He can’t stand outside and shout at the neighbor kids (in a old man voice) “get off my lawn!”
• He can’t fill a squirt gun with a combination of glue and glitter and take it to work
• He can’t ask me to call him Man Candy on my blogs
• He can’t eat me (I mean this in an entirely non-sexual way. I can’t count the times I’ve had to tell him I’m not food.)
• He can’t buy a cat, put a tiny wireless camera on it’s collar and start a website called “Pussy Cam”
• He can’t ever use the phrase “is it cause I’m black?” (he’s white)
• He can’t ever use the phrase “it’s witchcraft!”
• He can’t name our future children after IKEA products
• He can’t name our future children after pharmaceutical products
• He can’t name our future children after venereal disease
• He can’t participate in the naming of our future children
• He can’t put condiment packets in my underwear drawer (okay, he actually used to do this, years ago but I’ve gotten him to stop)
• He can’t create sumo suits out of bubble wrap
• He can’t host amateur MMA (mixed martial arts) cage matches on the lawn
• He can’t collect his own sweat in jars and then sell it on eBay as celebrity sweat
• His saliva does not have healing properties
• He can’t learn to how clone people so he can make another me to bounce ideas off of
• He can’t write a blog post of things his wife isn’t allowed to do

That’s all I can think of right now. You know, sometimes I’m scared of my hubby.

There may be more later…

No one should wear a scarf around their neck if it’s not in the middle of a snowy or otherwise cold day. Any other time just makes you look like you’re into auto erotic asphyxiation and are covering up the marks.

On January 17th, I set myself up a Flickr account. I’ve put a variety of pretty, pretty pictures up and you can see them here.

Now, as I do with any new website I become a member of, I checked it regularly for the first few days just to see the traffic I was getting. It wasn’t until January 28th that I really started to see an increase in my traffic, after I’d uploaded a set of photos I call The Many Faces of Me.

It took me a bit to figure this out, but Flickr counts traffic separately for your main page, each image itself, and each set main page itself. I didn’t really advertise my page so I didn’t think I’d get much traffic.

My traffic numbers are kind of odd. As of today, I have had the following numbers of visitors:

Main Page: 273
Specific Photo - A Fresh Start (this is my bald head pic): 774
Specific Set - Many Faces of Me: 4,113

These numbers perplex me. Both the fresh start photo and many faces of me set have had large number from the beginning and I had no idea why. I mean, 273 visitors to my page in a month sounds about right but 4,113 on one set in that same month? Odd. Especially since that means they’re going directly to my set page, not my home page. What was going on? I couldn’t figure it out.

A week or so ago, I did a search on Google for MyFickleMind, just curious to see if I was mentioned anywhere. There’s seven pages of results, most of them being links to sites I’m a member of or made a comment on under this user name. Then, on the seventh page, as the last link is the Female Head Shaving - Red Light Fetish Hair Page. The link to my many faces of me set is on there.

So, I’ve gotten over 4,000 visitors because I’m a fetish. Odd but awesome. God, I hope no one’s wanking to my picture.

In the process of working on my Stumble Upon goal, I’ve stumbled upon a lot of products I want to buy, mostly some very odd items, cause that’s what appeals to me. Since my 30th birthday is only six months (give or take a couple weeks) away (Sept. 1st - mark your calenders), I thought I’d compile a convenient list here on my blog for your shopping ease. Or, I guess you could buy them for yourself, whatever. Enjoy!

1. Kama Sutra Cookie Cutters - Hubby and I always joke about erotic cookies or cakes. These handy cookie cutters make it easy to make dirty pastries. They’d be great for bachelorette parties - make a bunch of cookies from them and let the girls decorate them. I also have the sudden urge to buy these for my sister, MS - I’d love to see her try to explain them to her boys. The only problem is that the website is in a foreign language (I’m going with Swedish or Norwegian ’cause the words remind me of IKEA) and there’s no working link to purchase. Oh well, they’re still clever. Update: Oh, look, I was wrong you can buy them here.
2. Crocheted Bobbie Warmers - My “girls” often get sore when it gets too cold here in Oregon. These hand made, crocheted bobbie warmers are the perfect solution. Crafters are so clever.
3. Dirty Unicorn Sex T-shirt - I love funny t-shirts, especially ones that don’t have words. Two unicorns doing it under a rainbow, what more could you want? I’d love to wear this in public.
4. 100% Organic T-Shirt - Another funny t-shirt, this one with words and pictures. However, I’m pretty sure I’d get lynched by the enviromentalists if I wore this. I’d do it anyway. Maybe walk by the PETA protest while I’m wearing it.
5. Cloth Ninja - These tiny, handmade ninjas are adorable. I just want a dozen or so…to throw at people.
6. Humping Reindeer Christmas T-Shirt - What is it with me and humping animals on clothing? Anyway, nothing says “Merry Fucking Christmas” quite like this t-shirt.
7. Jesus is Gay T-Shirt - This is just hilarious, it’s that simple. Would love to wear this to Gay Pride.
8. Gay Shark T-Shirt - I guess if it’s not humping animals, it’s gay ones. I guess that’s just what I like in my t-shirts. Is that wrong?
9. “You’re My Bitch” Coffee T-Shirt - Oh, yeah, it’s true and I want the world to know.
10. Stripped Socks - Did you know that there’s an entire website, Sock Dreams, dedicated to socks? And they have a whole page of stripped socks. I’d wear any of these, repeatedly.
11. Chew By Numbers Kit - There’s this artist, Jamie Marraccini, who’s medium is chewing gum. Saw him on Food Network’s Unwrapped and was fascinated. For people who want to try their hand at gum art themselves, he makes Chew by Numbers Kits (like paint by numbers). I would love to try this.
12. Tentacle Arm - I always dreamed of being an octopus when I was younger. Now I can make that dream come true, sort of.
13. Vagina Couch - Art students scare me. But you gotta love them. I can’t figure out why she decided to make a Vagina couch as her finale project, but whatever floats your boat. I don’t think it’s for sell anymore, either someone bought it or they took the link off of Craig’s list. But maybe someone else can make me one.
14. Edward Scissors Hands My Little Pony - Okay, this isn’t actually for sale, it’s just a picture. But I’m sure there’s a creative person out there who can make me one. Come on, I know you wanna.
15. Hand Soap - I’m not talking about your run of the mill hand soap, nope. This is soap made into actual little hands. It’s creepy and wonderful. I’d totally put this in my bathroom for guests. Too bad it’s sold out until February. But my birthday’s not until September, so I’m sure you’ve got time to get some.
16. Enlighted Bra - Just think, during the next power outage, we won’t have to rummage for a flash light. I’d just take off my shirt and there we go - light!
17. Crash Bonsai - This artist takes bonsai trees and ads tiny cars to make Crash Bonsai’s. Very creative. Plus, there’s one with a VW Bug, which is just a bonus.
18. Voodoo Knife Holder - Maybe the coolest kitchen accessory I’ve ever seen. I want several, one in every color.
19. Alien Abduction Lamp - I love tacky lamps and this might just knock out the traditional monkey lamp for the top tacky lamp spot.
20. Reversible Door Mat - I love this. When you stand at the door, the mat says “Come In”. When you’re leaving from inside, it says “Go Away”. Just got to figure out how to get it to say “Go Away” the whole time.
21. Not a Paper Cup Coffee Cup - I can always use more coffee cups. And this one is a ceramic version of a coffee shop paper cup. Gotta love it. Just wish it said “I’m Not a Paper Cup” on it, that would make it funnier.
22. Tie Dye Roses - I’ve seen several pictures of these colorful roses and always thought they were fake. Turns out, a Dutch company actually makes them. I want several dozen.
23. “Glitter is the Herpes of Craft Supplies” Poster - Again, this is just a picture. I’m sure someone can make me one. Someone out there has to have enough glitter on hand to do it.
24. Yip-Yip Alien - I remember these guys from Sesame Street so many years ago. I think this is an incredibly clever craft idea. Don’t want to make one for myself, so who’s going to do it for me?
25. ipod Doc and Toilet Paper Holder - I need music while I do my “business”, is that wrong? And this is convenient.
26. Virtual Bubble Wrap Toy - Popping bubble wrap calms me. But it gets expensive and makes too much trash. So, I just need one of these handy Japanese toys. Too bad I don’t live in Japan.
27. Tofu the Vegan Zombie - I’m not too old for dolls, am I? At least this one encourages healthy eating.
28. Lego Ice Cube Tray - I know this might encourage people to play with their food, but I’m fascinated by it. Plus, I saw a recipe to make chocolate lego blocks using this tray. Must make chocolate legos.
29. Chewbacca the Backpack - Why carry a purse when I can carry a Chewbacca backpack? Seriously, I’d never lose it!
30. Frozen Smiles Ice Cube Molds - I wonder if I could trick my hubby into thinking I put his dentures in a cup of juice with these? And I think they’d be fun at parties.
31. R2-D2 Interactive Astromech Droid - I need a robot. It’s lonely at home when hubby’s working. Maybe I can train it to clean or make me coffee?
32. Stargate Necklace - I love Stargate SG1 and feel the need to share that love with the world. What’s better then this awesome Stargate necklace? Seriously, what’s better?
33. Pencil Shaving Necklace - This may be the coolest, most creative piece of handmade jewelry I’ve ever seen. I want one.
34. Molecule Jewelry - These little silver pendants in the shape of molecules are brilliant. For the geek in your life. I want the caffeine one.
35. Matthew Shepard Pendant - No explanation really needed for why I want one of these. Actually, Fag Hag wants one of these.
36. Audrey Hepburn Tiara - My inner girly-girl wants one of these and wants to wear it all the time.
37. Fag Hag Merit Badge - Haven’t been a girl scout for ages but I’d still love this merit badge. I’d wear it with pride. It goes without saying that Fag Hag wants it.

Okay, I think that’s it. So, get shopping! I expect loads of gifts from strangers this year!

In a previous advice post, Really Bad Advice - Relationship Test Questions, I shared my relationship wisdom with all my wonderful readers. As I mentioned, I’ve been with my hubby for almost 13 years. We have a wonderful relationship which everyone around us sees. People are always asking me relationship questions. I thought I’d share some of the one’s most frequently asked. And the answers.

Q: My girlfriend is obsessed with shiny things - jewelry, glass, ornaments, mirrors, anything that’s sparkles or reflects. Sometimes, we’ll be in the middle of a conversation and she’ll be distracted by something shiny and we’ll never finish the conversation. This happens on such a regular basis that I’m starting to think she loves shiny things more then me. I’ve tried removing all shiny things from my house, but she always finds something to distract her. Any suggestions on how I can deal with this?
A: Wrap yourself in foil so you’re the shiny thing. I’d suggest buying bulk from Costco.

Q: What can I use to spice up my sex life with my significant other?
A: Cayenne pepper

Q: My boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. He apologized several times and bought me expensive gifts. I want to forgive him, but I’m finding that really hard to do. Is there anything I can do to get over this?
A: Cheat on him, with your best friend. Take photos. He’ll forgive you and you’ll have had your revenge. Plus, you’ll get to have a lesbian experience.

Q: My husband wants a baby but I’m not ready yet to go through a pregnancy or give birth. I’ve explained this to him and he says he understands but seems disappointed. Any suggestions?
A: Try Ebay. No stress, no mess, you just need cash.

Q: My fiancée wants to invite her ex to our wedding. We’ve had several arguments about this and she always ends up in tears. She’s very stressed with all the wedding planning and I want to make it easier on her. Any suggestions on how I could invite him but not have to worry about him trying to get back with my fiancée?
A: Hire a female dominatrix for the event. Sit her by the ex and instruct her to keep him in line. He’ll either be too scared or turned on to even approach your wife.

Q: My wife salts everything she eats. We go through insane amounts of salt - it’s always on the shopping list. I’m worried. What should I do?
A: Buy her a salt lick. You’ll save a fortune.

Q: My lover gave me herpes. I don’t know what to do.
A: Take up hiking and kayaking. The people in the commercials are always outdoors and are dealing well with their disease. You should follow their example.